Why?

Why?
Why?
Why?

Why...did Jeanne have to die? Why did she die, and not someone else? Why did she get cancer? Why did she live 48 years, and not 88? or 68, or 18 or 8? *

Why...did such a beautiful person, who so lovingly touched so many people, and was only beginning to touch so many others, die?
Why?
Why?
Why?

A chaplain/friend said I am asking the unanswerable question. He said this side of heaven, I will never know the answer. As much as I know his statement is true, it does not satisfy my need. In fact, like so many of my recent experiences, there is a huge disconnect between the answers that my head understands, and my heart comprehends. I wonder if this is more difficult for me because I tend toward the cerebral, while grief emanates from the soul.

I visited Mary's Peak on our anniversary. It was a very emotionally draining and cathartic time. The Peak has always been a special place for Jeanne and I. As I was leaving, I found my self saying goodbye. Goodbye to our memories there, to the significance of that special place, and yes, I even said goodbye to Jeanne. Everything in my spirit has resisted acknowledging she is gone. (the old head/heart struggle again.) But, she is gone physically. Not since the memorial service have I felt such a release, nor has her absence been so dramatic.

Pat

* I may seem ungrateful for the years I did have with her. For those who have endured the loss of a very young person, I apologize if I seem insensitive.